The following, highlighted section was posted in response to Carly's blog
http://carlysblog-theclog.blogspot.com/
Hi Carly. Yours is an interesting question and i'm sure many women would answer yes. I think an important point you raise is that of "Guilt".Guilt appears behind so many worries and can have such a negative effect, it is certainly a very common feature in eating disorders, along with control. Together these two create a viscious cycle where, because of the rules we have ingested, we feel guilt the minute we percieve we have done something "wrong" and we then try to get back in control to compensate. Unfortunately we are human and can never live up to the expectations of others fully, so will often feel guilty if we try to.I wasted many years overeating to cope with feelings of inadequacy, then through guilt and feelings of failure i ended up feeling even more inadequate, so ate more!! It wasn't until i learnt to express my feelings in other ways and DITCH the GUILT that i was able to eat sensibly.I am glad you conquered your eating disorder and that you are a HEALTHY size 12 now. Try not to feel guilty if you treat yourself now and again, after all you're human. All the best.
Guilt. Guilt i think is born out of conscience or a sense of right and wrong. Freud would propose that it is the superego bearing down upon the ego that produces guilt, for the ego or self craves one action but the societal and parental teachings contained within the superego wishes us to take another action. Guilt is the result of us behaving in a way that we feel we "Should not" or failing to behave in a way that we feel we "Should". Guilt can very often be a negative emotion and can prevent us from living our lives in a happy or productive way, as we are constantly trying to please others and suffering when we can't.
Not that all guilt is bad. I feel without any sense of guilt we would probably have societal breakdown, guilt stops us from doing exactly what we want when we want, it maintains a civilised society. Having said that guilt can also be used to control and manipulate. Others can induce feelings of guilt when we don't fit in with their wishes and that is a form of control, which i don't think is good. I think rather than be plagued by guilt we can express appropriate regret or remorse, as we are human and therefore we all make mistakes. I think two other factors are relevant also; choice and responsibility. We have a choice to help out a friend and shouldn't feel guilty if we choose to say no. We also have our own individual responsibilities, so if something is not our responsibility we don't have to take it on- the other person needs to take on their responsibilities and then choose how they act rather than making you feel guilty for not helping them.
Check out my links and let me know your thoughts.
Wednesday 21 February 2007
Monday 19 February 2007
Stalking
The final film from this week's lecture was about stalking. Stalking is defined as "the willful, malicious and repeated following and harassing of another person" (Meloy, 1998).
Well, i can speak from experience on this one guys as i actually experienced a stalker about six years ago. It was an extremely scary and stressful experience; one of the few times in my entire life that i didn't feel safe in my own home. According to the websites stalkers are most often male, have possibly had a relationship at some point with the victim, even if it was only one date, may suffer from a personality disorder or other mental health problem and in some instances can be dangerous; even fatal.
In my case i didn't know the person, never saw him in fact. Nevertheless he had me gripped with fear. It started on a sunny day in June when i casually answered the phone "Hello, is that Sharon?" The well spoken voice asked. "No", I replied, finishing the conversation and thinking nothing of it. A few minutes later he rang back, apologising again for disturbing me. He was chatty, even breezy, somewhat amusing i thought. He explained that Sharon was his colleague and he was a policeman. That opened up a conversation as a cousin of mine was in the force. I was to find out later that phone stalkers often pretend to have jobs in positions of trust as it puts victims at ease.
So, this carried on for several months and i even began to look forward to the calls. But then as time went on and he had gleaned bits of info from me, i started to feel uneasy. He would drop things in to the conversation that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck, for example talking about wanting a new car and then describing mine in detail, even the same colour. Then he would pretend to imagine what friends or relatives of mine looked like...with chilling accuracy. One day after my parents visited, he rang. The conversation got on to cars and he said he had always wanted a maroon coloured Saab. I laughed it off but when i put the phone down i felt scared; my dad had a maroon Saab! I went upstairs and looked up the street, i felt uneasy, like i was being watched.
I spoke to my sister who suggested i phoned the police station he was supposedly based at to see if his story checked out. They had never heard of him and even checked other stations, nothing. I felt an idiot but more than anything i felt scared. My mind now raced through all our coversations; what other info had i given out? How had he found where i lived? Did he know where the children went to school? By this time i was in a blind panic. When i thought he was a policeman it seemed safe and harmless fun, now it felt sinister and dangerous.
I spoke to the police but they said there was nothing they could do as he hadn't committed a crime and i had talked with him willingly. Yes but that was when i thought he was a friendly policeman, not a raving loony.
Later on my fear turned to anger and when he phoned i confronted him and told him to leave me alone. On reflection that was possibly a bad move. For several months i had phone calls in the middle of the night, sometimes just breathing, other times taunts about him being able to see me. I had flowers delivered, meals delivered and so on. I'm guessing he was not good with rejection...ha, i can laugh now!!
Finally, there was a real policeman sitting in my house taking all the details.
I was lucky, following a phone trace the police were able to track him down and issue him with a warning. Thankfully i was never bothered again but many others aren't so lucky.
Looking back it seems a silly thing...i had recently divorced and was possibly liking the initial attention, but i was way too naive and trusting. For a good year afterwards i suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attacks. God knows how people cope when it goes on for years and the stalker gets in to their home etc.
Anyway, to answer the questions: What kind of stalking or observing is acceptable? Well, unless you are a detective or similar and you have good reason to follow someone then i don't think it is acceptable to spy, follow or observe anyone else. I feel it would be an invasion of their privacy and freedom.
Voyeurism: In a sense this is spying or observing someone and i think this is ok if all parties consent to being involved. If someone wants to undress etc. in the knowledge that people are paying to view them ect. that's fine. It's not fine to spy on the neighbour undressing at night, that's just pervy. I expect the voyeur gets more of a kick from the latter because it is more risky and naughty. I guess you could also argue that if someone undresses at night without shutting the curtains they may secretly be getting off on the idea that someone is viewing them; in that sense maybe there is an unspoken communication going on there and both parties are satisfying a need; to view and to be viewed. Still not sure if that's right though. What do you think??
For ideas, take a look at the relevant links.
Well, i can speak from experience on this one guys as i actually experienced a stalker about six years ago. It was an extremely scary and stressful experience; one of the few times in my entire life that i didn't feel safe in my own home. According to the websites stalkers are most often male, have possibly had a relationship at some point with the victim, even if it was only one date, may suffer from a personality disorder or other mental health problem and in some instances can be dangerous; even fatal.
In my case i didn't know the person, never saw him in fact. Nevertheless he had me gripped with fear. It started on a sunny day in June when i casually answered the phone "Hello, is that Sharon?" The well spoken voice asked. "No", I replied, finishing the conversation and thinking nothing of it. A few minutes later he rang back, apologising again for disturbing me. He was chatty, even breezy, somewhat amusing i thought. He explained that Sharon was his colleague and he was a policeman. That opened up a conversation as a cousin of mine was in the force. I was to find out later that phone stalkers often pretend to have jobs in positions of trust as it puts victims at ease.
So, this carried on for several months and i even began to look forward to the calls. But then as time went on and he had gleaned bits of info from me, i started to feel uneasy. He would drop things in to the conversation that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck, for example talking about wanting a new car and then describing mine in detail, even the same colour. Then he would pretend to imagine what friends or relatives of mine looked like...with chilling accuracy. One day after my parents visited, he rang. The conversation got on to cars and he said he had always wanted a maroon coloured Saab. I laughed it off but when i put the phone down i felt scared; my dad had a maroon Saab! I went upstairs and looked up the street, i felt uneasy, like i was being watched.
I spoke to my sister who suggested i phoned the police station he was supposedly based at to see if his story checked out. They had never heard of him and even checked other stations, nothing. I felt an idiot but more than anything i felt scared. My mind now raced through all our coversations; what other info had i given out? How had he found where i lived? Did he know where the children went to school? By this time i was in a blind panic. When i thought he was a policeman it seemed safe and harmless fun, now it felt sinister and dangerous.
I spoke to the police but they said there was nothing they could do as he hadn't committed a crime and i had talked with him willingly. Yes but that was when i thought he was a friendly policeman, not a raving loony.
Later on my fear turned to anger and when he phoned i confronted him and told him to leave me alone. On reflection that was possibly a bad move. For several months i had phone calls in the middle of the night, sometimes just breathing, other times taunts about him being able to see me. I had flowers delivered, meals delivered and so on. I'm guessing he was not good with rejection...ha, i can laugh now!!
Finally, there was a real policeman sitting in my house taking all the details.
I was lucky, following a phone trace the police were able to track him down and issue him with a warning. Thankfully i was never bothered again but many others aren't so lucky.
Looking back it seems a silly thing...i had recently divorced and was possibly liking the initial attention, but i was way too naive and trusting. For a good year afterwards i suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attacks. God knows how people cope when it goes on for years and the stalker gets in to their home etc.
Anyway, to answer the questions: What kind of stalking or observing is acceptable? Well, unless you are a detective or similar and you have good reason to follow someone then i don't think it is acceptable to spy, follow or observe anyone else. I feel it would be an invasion of their privacy and freedom.
Voyeurism: In a sense this is spying or observing someone and i think this is ok if all parties consent to being involved. If someone wants to undress etc. in the knowledge that people are paying to view them ect. that's fine. It's not fine to spy on the neighbour undressing at night, that's just pervy. I expect the voyeur gets more of a kick from the latter because it is more risky and naughty. I guess you could also argue that if someone undresses at night without shutting the curtains they may secretly be getting off on the idea that someone is viewing them; in that sense maybe there is an unspoken communication going on there and both parties are satisfying a need; to view and to be viewed. Still not sure if that's right though. What do you think??
For ideas, take a look at the relevant links.
Smoking
The highlighted section was posted as a response to Alison's blog, which can be viwed at: www.badgirlbeingbad.blogspot.com
Smoking.
I think smoking really is a personal choice. We can debate about what starts it; peer pressure, social influences, sense of belonging, rebellion, fixation at anal stage, coping mechanism etc. etc. But whether we start, continue or give up, like you said, is down to making a choice and then having the will power to follow through with that choice. I am not going to jump on the band wagon and spout all the harmful effects of smoking as i think we all hear enough of that. I am an ex-smoker and like theresa, i gave up when i became pregnant, however i did start again later. When i finally gave up i did so following a chest infection that made me think about what i was doing to my body. I then took a visit to a hospital (Not necessarily recommended) After chatting with two cancer patients and seeing a few amputees, my mind was made up. The pleasure i got from smoking in the present was not worth the agony i may face later on; in my opinion. Having said that, we shouldn't make smoking a scapegoat, it isn't the only harmful crutch. Compulsive eating, binge drinking, taking drugs,making ourselves sick every time we've eaten too much aren't exactly brilliant for health either.If the rest of your lifestyle isn't healthy then just packing in the fags isn't going to make that much difference.
If you WANT to give up, arm yourself with ALL the information, weigh it up and then make a decision...you'll find it easier to do if it is your choice and you have clear reasons for making that choice. Good luck
I think smoking really is a personal choice. We can debate about what starts it; peer pressure, social influences, sense of belonging, rebellion, fixation at anal stage, coping mechanism etc. etc. But whether we start, continue or give up, like you said, is down to making a choice and then having the will power to follow through with that choice. I am not going to jump on the band wagon and spout all the harmful effects of smoking as i think we all hear enough of that. I am an ex-smoker and like theresa, i gave up when i became pregnant, however i did start again later. When i finally gave up i did so following a chest infection that made me think about what i was doing to my body. I then took a visit to a hospital (Not necessarily recommended) After chatting with two cancer patients and seeing a few amputees, my mind was made up. The pleasure i got from smoking in the present was not worth the agony i may face later on; in my opinion. Having said that, we shouldn't make smoking a scapegoat, it isn't the only harmful crutch. Compulsive eating, binge drinking, taking drugs,making ourselves sick every time we've eaten too much aren't exactly brilliant for health either.If the rest of your lifestyle isn't healthy then just packing in the fags isn't going to make that much difference.
If you WANT to give up, arm yourself with ALL the information, weigh it up and then make a decision...you'll find it easier to do if it is your choice and you have clear reasons for making that choice. Good luck
My views on Smoking
In order to make a choice about smoking we have to know the pros and cons right?
What are the good points then? Well actually smoking has been linked to some beneficial effects, such as protection AGAINST Parkinson's Disease, Alziemer's , receding gums, Asthma, Eczema, Food allegies, Heart Attacks, Strokes and some forms of Cancer. In addition, for many, it relaxes them and relieves periods of worry and stress. It helps some people cope in ways that may otherwise see them suffering from anxiety, depression or worse. Wouldn't the costs of treating these illnesses work out just as expensive? So why don't we hear about these alleged good points about smoking? Could it be that smoking has just become the scapegoat? Can political points be scored and battles won with the upcoming smoking bans?? At the end of the day it should be a person's choice. There are risks involved in most things, a person should be able to weigh up the costs and benefits of smoking and make their own choice.
And the bad points? Well the main points against smoking are health, but can we isolate smoking as detrimental to health when we partake in so many other things that are bad for us? So non-smokers are the epitome of health are they? They never drink or indulge in fatty food, never get stressed or work long hours, never risk unprotected sex or indulge in other risky acts?? Young girls become fatal statistics every year from Anorexia and Bulimia; should we ban food? Many die each year from heart attacks and strokes bought on by stress from working too hard: will working get banned? We can but hope. What about the damage done by drinking...how come that isn't getting banned? What about the Trans fats and other crap in burgers and fast food, that lead to obesity, heart attacks and more? Why are these not banned?...because it is felt that we are all mature enough to be able to read the guidelines on managing stress, limiting drinking, eating healthily with our magic "5 portions a day" and so on blah, blah, blah. So surely people can look at the risks of smoking and manage their intake in the same way. I am not a smoker any more and haven't been for nearly 15 years but if i was i would like to be able to choose where, when and how many i smoked. You can not take away danger and risk, it is part of life. You have to let people manage it in their own way (within the law).
Follow the links in the smoking section for views on pro and anti smoking, thenyou can decide for yourself.
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